


With a Smile on His Face

by leijonara



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ??? nepeta remembers stuff idk, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 09:25:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3351557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leijonara/pseuds/leijonara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You remember all of these things, all of them, as Gamzee strides towards you, club in hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With a Smile on His Face

The first thing you remember is the smile on the face of an auxilitrix. She's walking by you, taking immense care not to step on any of the freshly hatched wrigglers around you, and is scanning the crowds for any mutants or underdeveloped grubs. You watch as her smile falls. She reaches down. When she rights herself again there is a grub in her hands, and you cannot remember what was wrong with it. Something must have been, since right after that she moves briskly to the side of the cavern, lifts the grub and-

you witness your first death.

You remember little of the trials bar the loud squeaking of your fellows and the  _click click_  of many tiny claws on stone. It is all a haze to you, but you do remember how the darkness of the cave fell away and was replaced by a huge whiteness. You remember awe. You remember when the huge whiteness, which dwarfed all else around you and captured your attention absolutely, blinked open pale olive eyes and purred. You remember her- it, back then- gathering you to her with a huge paw, and gently picking you up in her mouth. You remember nothing about the day you met your mother except for her presence and that is how you like it.

You've grown up surrounded by her smile- sometimes two. You learn to understand the nature of her noises, and through them how to use a computer, and speak Alternian. Your words are accented with rolled r's and clipped vowels, and you speak slow and easy. It's good. You eat raw meat, right from the start. You know packaged food exists but Catmom has never taken you to see other trolls. In fact, you come to learn the only two time she's ever left the cave for civilization was to get things for you, and to meet up with an old friend of hers, another feline lusus, for advice on parenting. Your existence is secluded, but not sheltered, for the internet is yours and although you suspect some of the things you learn about the Empire aren't true, it doesn't much matter when there are online forums where you can make friends! It is on these forums you meet Terezi Pyrope, and you become friends after sharing details of your lives. You garner a bit of sass from her, and she in turn becomes softer and kinder. You learn so much about society and culture, things you can't get on Troll Google, and although sometimes smaller social cues elude you, you get better and better. It's a good life.

Sweeps pass and through Terezi you meet others, and love them all dearly. Your twelve friends are all special in their own way, and even if some are a bit annoying (cough _eridan_ cough). It's sad when one of them is killed by Vriska's botched present, but as a troll all you can do is muster some sadness and be glad it wasn't you. 

Crushes start when you're all about four. All of a sudden your innocent friendship with Karkat turns into absurd amounts of happiness whenever he messages you, messages slowly filling with the swearwords he's been learning from Condesce knows where ( she probably  _does_ , it was probably her in the first place). You actually get into an auspisticeship, and Catmom celebrates your first relationship with freshly killed barkbeast. It's shaky and uncertain but you know it's the first actual love, because the force pulling you to help Sollux and Equius sort out the spat they've been having is almost tangible. And then it's fixed, and Sollux is out of the picture, and yet your desire to help Equius remains. It changes; shifts into something new. And before you know it, you're as pale for him as a cavedwelling rainbowdrinker and something inside you clicks. It whispers serendipity and you don't correct it.

Somewhere along the way, you find yourself kind of on the fringe of your group of friends. It's okay. They all still talk to you, they just don't include you in more personal things. You've accepted that! It's a part of growing up, making new friends and having new attitudes and you know they care when you get a message from Gamzee one night, terrified because he drank some slime on a dare from his Juggalo friends and it felt so  _good_ but now it's all shaky and dark and  _what do I do, Nepsis, my pan is rotting and I can feel it_. You're flattered he came to you, and suggest maybe to wait it out and see if he feels better come evening. When he comes back to your screen a few hours later, his usual laid back, all lowercase quirk suddenly AlTeRnAtInG in the strangest way, you're scared. And after that, Gamzee is never the same. After a few perigees you learn to accept that it's just how he is now, and it seems to have calmed his highblood rages something crazy. If it means he'll stay friends with you, without calling you grassblood or trying to cull you, you're okay with it. Survival instincts are a bitch to tame, and so you have to deal with a little voice murmuring  _it's okay, he's less of a threat, and he'll be culled for it come the recruiting drones and you'll never have to worry about him as the Grand Highblood._ He's your friend, after all!

Your life revolves around hunting, shipping, roleplaying and chatting to your friends. You are happy- happy to the point where when you hear about the game called Sgrub, and the chance it'll give you to meet your friends for real, you don't hesitate.

You remember these things, all of them, as Gamzee strides towards you, club in hand. It's sickeningly reminiscent of your first moments- darkness, an empty smile, a dead body beside you. You miss Pounce. You miss your friends. You miss Equius, even if you're diamond broken that he gave himself up simply to fulfill an empty obligation. You wonder what would've happened if you'd told Gamzee firmly to stay away from more sopor, and to take some sleeping pills instead and sleep it off. You're furious at yourself for a moment, too, for allowing this to happen, and with your anger comes a resoluteness that allows you to stand and meet your end with head held high.

**Author's Note:**

> i remember back when i was a kid, i always wrote in past tense, third person. then in year 9 i began my journey of present tense, first person. then i read homestuck and now i write like this. more intimate, joins the reader with the story in quite a lovely way.


End file.
